cicada shell

I love the open space of the Funeral Chapel parking lot at night. Earlier today, a human's cicada shell lay inside those walls, smiling, not telling the secret of where the rest of him went, after moulting.

As I buzz around this empty space, I feel sure that I'm a reincarnated soul, or a vampire - hundreds of years older than I look. Or an ant who has underestimated the weight and size of this dead beetle he is hauling around.

But I don't mind the aloneness, or the fact that this is not my season. The dead spot on my right big toe is the only remaining numbness from last year's debacle - the unfulfilled portion of the progress bar on my screen. The healing is not complete, but it is real.

Now it's gotten late. Time to flip my collar up and turn back to the house. Tonight is not the night I leave my skin behind and finally learn the secret.

cloud comin' down

Sunday morning. Not early. Not late. I'm sure well over half the city is still sleeping it off.

It would be cooler if I had a record player and could physically put the needle on the vinyl. I'll settle for connecting a USB cable to the docking station. Greg Brown is singing.

It's a messed up world, but I love it anyway. I love it.

And now, between the notes and his gravelly voice, another voice.
You are not what you were. I've been strengthening you. It might soon be your turn to do the lifting up. You are weak, you are strong. That's all for now.

Fade back to Greg Brown - strange choreography.

I try to say a prayer, return the favor, but I don't know who to address or what to call you. I get the feeling for a minute that the joke's on me. You have no name. You have a thousand names. You have no name. Why do I need you to?

I return to the song; my breath tells me I've been in a different sort of presence, though I can't put a finger on it.

I've got two little feet to get me 'cross the mountain.
two little feet to carry me into the woods.
two little feet, big mountain, and a
cloud comin' down, cloud comin' down, cloud comin' down.

over

peace over angst
intention over osmosis
love over anger
growth over atrophy
trust over fear
wellness over illness
presence over withdrawing
laughter over sullenness

* * *

An alley. Pitt-bull, sewer gas, condenser unit. Arkansas tumbleweed, as we used to call it when a Walmart bag blew across the road. Here, it's just called trash.

Still, my spirit is filled with affirmations. Darkness for thirty steps. Then another telephone pole, and a new arc of light.

rest

Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

see you soon - coldplay

catching up on family time

I finally got the chance to post some pictures on facebook of some great family moments we've had in the middle of all this medic school chaos. And...due to that chaos and business, I'm gonna be lazy and just put the link to the album here on this page:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=223282&l=95152c2f09&id=628423586

I'm so thankful for these little moments when I can sneak home for a few hours at a time, shake off the horrors of the trauma I've witnessed, forget about emergency medicine, and soak up my family. What a lucky guy I am to come home to those three beautiful people.

fun being a father

Everett is learning how to sit up, and as with Simone when she was this age, watching him learn his new skill is our favorite way to entertain ourselves. It's shocking how many hours Crystal and I spend just watching our kids and getting a royal kick out of them!

Here's a picture of some home-made doughnuts Crystal made for Fathers' Day! I almost passed out when I took my first bite.





When I told Simone we were gonna eat doughnuts her eyes bulged and she said, "Yaaaay! I haven't eaten doughnuts in like 3 DAYS!" I laughed hard. And then I wondered what Crystal feeds her when I'm gone.

I feel like the luckiest guy in the world on this Fathers' Day. Crystal made me feel special. The kids made me laugh all day. Didn't have to work, so I got to be at church with my family, which is rare lately. I was caught up enough in school to mostly take the day off and just enjoy these beautiful people I get to live life with.

Thank you, Abba. Thank you, Amma. Thank you, Creator.